A short list of reasons I am freaking out

1. Matt returns to work next week, leaving, nay, ABANDONING me with these two little urchins. ALL ALONE.

Yes, I know how lucky we are that Matt got a couple months of maternity leave. Yes, I have a deep appreciation for this time we’ve spent with brand new Theo, both for practical reasons of tag-team parenting and emotional reasons of allowing Matt to bond with his new son. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am soon outnumbered and I am FREAKING OUT.

2. Theo’s sleep is going wonky.

I remember this, with Dexter, that sleep quantity rode peaks and valleys. Restful stretches and fitful stretches. I don’t remember exactly when, but I recall talking to my friend Crush about how Dex was not only not sleeping through the night, but he was dropping naps like discarded paper.

Crush: “Kids just do this. It’s best to relax.”
Me: “I read that lack of sleep can affect brain development. I just don’t want him to be dumb.”
Crush: “You and Matt are his parents. He isn’t going to be dumb.”
Me: “… I remain unconvinced.”

And of course, wonky sleep for Theo means very little sleep for me, which it not helping to prevent me from FREAKING OUT.

3. I don’t yet have much of a plan for doing this solo.

I know, I know, it’s a sucker’s game to try to plan everything. I had the same worry when Matt returned to work after his Dexter paternity leave, but lo and behold, about a week before it was over, a rough outline emerged and I had a vague understanding of how a day would look. This went a long way toward my survival and sanity.

I thought I was starting to get a handle on it this time, but things keep popping up. The aforementioned sleep issues usually lead to late, slow mornings, which throws off everything else. I have no idea what I’m going to do if Dex tries to light the flat on fire while I’m breastfeeding because I’m trapped and he doesn’t freaking listen. Speaking of trapped, I still haven’t mastered 1 Me + 2 Kids + 1 Bus, which has me concerned that we’ll never leave home and the whole place will blow up in a molten cabin fever-induced explosion.

And yesterday, for the first time, both kids at the same time were screaming and crying in earnest, top volume and with feeling. Matt and I were scrambling around, trying to put a lid on things, when I found myself frozen to the spot because the news ticker in my brain declared SOON, THIS WILL BE JUST YOU TRYING TO DEAL WITH THIS.

I know it’ll work out, because it has to. But I could sure use some reassurance, so if anyone who has taken care of two children, solo and outnumbered, has any advice or wants to share any successful anecdotes, I am your rapt audience. Of one.

Just one of me.

Two children.

Did I mention that part?

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3 Comments

  1. My ex-husband left for a year overseas 14 days after my second child was born. I was left much like you, far from any support system with a two-year-old and infant. There were times I thought, “I got this. What are these other people complaining about.” And times, I literally prayed to the universe to make it through the next hour let alone day. You will find your routine, your groove. Laugh as much as you can, cry when you need it, leave the dishes in the sink when you have to and take as many pictures with them as you can.

    Oh and a double stroller probably saved my life and theirs during routine trips to the bank, DMV and any other time I couldn’t run after a two year old holding an infant.

  2. For a woman to successfully move her family to another country while being pregnant…you got this two kid thing! For purely selfish reasons…I can’t wait to read your blog on the daily (mis) adventures! Love you guys 💙

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